The Man I Used to Know

If I had known at an earlier time why Anakin had been so stressed, I would have been able to do more for him. I knew he seemed different. Why hadn't I linked two and two together? The dreams, the unusual behavior. Now that I think about it, it was obvious what was bothering him.

But I hadn't thought. That night when he had come to me after I saw the burning of the Jedi Temple, I could see something different in his eyes, but I was oblivious to the fact that he had turned to the Dark Side. No, not for power, but because he was afraid of losing me.

When Obi-Wan came to tell me what he had discovered, I couldn't help but deny it to myself. Obi-Wan seemed just as pained as I was. The grief hidden behind his blue eyes, the way his voice shook when he spoke, and how he looked like he could have burst into tears right then and there. Though, I did know he was telling the truth.

But I couldn't believe it. I literally could not. It was unbelievable. Not my little Ani. It just couldn't be him. Killing younglings? He wouldn't. He was about to have a child of his own.

I could hardly believe what I was hearing on Mustafar. Seeing him just alive brought joy to my heart, but after hearing what I heard, my heart cracked. I found it hard to breathe, even before he choked me.

My heart shattered in that moment. Memories flashed through my mind of the first time I met him when he was a nine year-old slave boy on Tatooine. He asked if I was an angel and I just smiled. He declared he would marry me one day. I didn't take it seriously, but when he and Obi-Wan had returned to be my Jedi protectors, I could hardly believe that the handsome young man standing in front of me was Ani.

From then on, I had always felt self-conscious around him. Our moments on Naboo in the Lake Country. His light touch against my skin soothed my worries and that kiss…that kiss took me away from the world. I was no longer Padmé Amidala, nor a senator wanted dead by Nute Gunray. I was simply Padmé Naberrie, I was my real self. But once I pulled away, I instantly felt guilty, to both Anakin and my duties.

Jedi were forbidden to love and by allowing that kiss to happen, I only teased him. I did everything in my power not to fall in love with him, but despite what my mind told me, my heart said different. I loved him and that was that.

I wanted to be there for him in his time of need like I was when his mother died at the hands of Tusken Raiders. After our time in the arena, it finally seemed possible. We knew of the hard tasks ahead of us, but we decided it would be worth it in the end.

And it was. Right until the end. I just wish we could have had a happier ending. I remembered the nervousness I felt while I waited for him to come back from all the fighting, back to me. It didn't help with the false rumors that he had been killed. If he had been, he would have died without ever meeting his children—he would have died without even knowing I was pregnant.

But he followed through with his promise and made it back to me, safe and sound. I remembered the joy flooding through his eyes when he found out. A whole ton of weight lifted off my shoulders when he said it was the happiest moment of his life.

How did we go from that to what happened on Mustafar? How was it possible for our relationship to change that quickly? I thought we had more than that, and we did. I just didn't realize it.

The reason he turned to the Dark Side was because of me. He thought he would be able to protect me from those nightmares he had been having.

He was wrong though. Turning to the Dark Side was what killed me. I didn't want to die, but a life without Anakin? It would be unbearable. I felt guilt eat at me as I faded out of the world, leaving Luke and Leia, my own babies, without a mother or a father.

I knew there was still good in him. I was right too. That little boy I knew on Tatooine was still there, hidden, but it was there. There was still a part of him wanting to help people at every turn, but soon darkness enveloped him. It was Luke who brought back the man I used to know. The man I loved with all my heart and the man who still loved me.

If only we could turn back time. We could have raised Luke and Leia together. We could have shared more kisses. We could have even had a larger family, but because of Palpatine, my former colleague, that would never happen.

I wanted to tell Anakin how much I loved him before I died, but he hadn't been there. What if I had known what was going on when he came back to me that one night? I would have been able to stop him from going to that horrible planet and things could have been different.

On Mustafar, the only thing running through my head, other than memories, was, What happened to the man I used to know? How did this even happen?

I remember my eyes locked onto his, my hands wrapped around my throat in attempt to breathe, and thinking, What if I had never let you go? Would you still be the man I used to know? I still love you more than I can say! If you'd stayed, would things have turned out a different way? Or would things still be the same?

I guess we will never know, but he will always be that guy whose smile stopped time and stole my heart. He was my Jedi and we belonged together.